Thai-ed Up in Knots

The second night of my trip to Thailand, the night in Kanchanaburi, I went for a Thai massage. It was also my first full-length professional massage.

I showed up with my friend Adam and then put us in a room with four mats in a row. There was a TV across from them. We took off our shirts and shorts and put on the loner white tee and the cloth maroon pants with the awkward drawstring. We were then instructed to lay down on the mats.

I was so glad we were in a more public type of setting. I had opted out of having the massage in my room for fear of getting any sort of “extras” imposed upon me. Then the ladies came in. Me and Adam were right next to each other, and we were both thinking “alright, here we go!”

This was the full-body Thai massage. It was 600 Baht which is around $16. It was for an hour and 45 minutes. Good deal, I know. The other option was a foot massage. I was like bah! Foot massage... who needs it! But when she started on my feet for my Thai massage I thought “wow, I could take this for an hour no problem!”

Adam's masseuse was a little more effervescent than mine. She reached over and squeezed my leg and then my masseuse reached over and squeezed Adam's leg. They were obviously comparing us, and they weren't shy about it at all.

She started on my left leg, and I could feel my muscles moving around and releasing all of the tension. And then, two SAS girls from our trip walked in and we had to change rooms.

We got relocated to a more private venue. We were now each in our own little private room surrounded only by curtains. I was thinking. “great. Now the chances of any more 'extras' being offered is a little bit higher.” But regardless, the massage continued.

Every limb of my body got massaged, even my eyebrows. The most difficult thing about it was the language barrier. She barely spoke English, and I definitely don't speak Thai. At one point she asked me if me and Adam were sleeping together. I promptly said “no. Friends.” I wonder if she was asking me this just in case there was a possibility for all four of us to engage in some sort of post-massage special event.

Another funny thing was when she would massage my leg really hard it would feel like she wanted me to move it. So I would move it, and then she would push it back down and say, “no,” all matter-of-factly.

She cracked ever knuckle in my right hand, and then on my left hand my index finger and thumb didn't crack. She looked at me, confused, and and shrugged. We both laughed.

There was a fair bit of laughter, partially due to the communication barrier, partially due to when she stretched me in such a way that I made a funny noise: like when she twisted my legs and put them almost all the way behind my head. Or when she dug her knees into my back and arched my entire body. But the most tickling part of the massage was when I was on my stomach and she kneaded my butt with her knees. I had to hold back from bursting out in laughter.

But at the end, all the tension in my back and neck were gone, and all my muscles were completely relaxed. I felt like I was walking on air. When it was over, though, some awkward stuff went down.

I was sitting up and she was putting the finishing touches on my back, and Adam asked me “are you sitting up now Jonathan” and I said “yeah, I am.” My masseuse pulled open the curtain and Adam was just sitting there, his masseuse laying down, giggling about something. Then my masseuse said “okay, done.” And laid down in the same fashion.

I tried to avoid eye contact because it was obvious she was trying to solicit me. She handed me my clothes back and I said to myself “I have to get dressed right here in front of her?” That wasn't a big deal, all my years at camp I'm comfortable changing in front of other people. But here, and what the taking off of clothes suggests, it seemed a little awkward.

I also feel like these women were expecting me and Adam to ask for something extra. Maybe it is because we're obviously American, or whatever. But we didn't. We made it out safely. I'd rather not contract some disease from a strange Thai woman. She did have good hands though, and I've never seen anyone do the types of things she did to my body, but I kept thinking about how many other people she's done this to and how many people may have gone for the extra mile.

I'm sorry if I have disappointed everyone who ever wanted to go to Thailand and get a full body massage with a happy ending, but come to Thailand and see the sex workers and see the shows and see all the crazy things these women do, and then try to feel comfortable having one of those ladies do anything more than a massage.

As we say at camp, bad touch. Very, very bad touch.

But, the massage was AMAZING. I really needed it too! Traveling can be stressful, not to mention I have a test the day after Thailand. If you ever feel stressed, go get a massage. You won't be disappointed.